First, these are a few pics from around Qingdao (thanks to a good friend) and Yes, you read correctly-I'm very sick. I have pneumonia AND bronchitis and have been sentenced to the bed since LAST FRIDAY! I will admit, yes, it has been seven days of misery, physically speaking, but from a pneumonia-pro, like myself, many terrific things have happened because of this. I will now begin to explain why sometimes being sick is not so bad afterall (for someone like myself):
1. Rest. Rest. Rest. Most of you know I do not do this well. I am an action-junkie and a 'doer' of sorts. I am constantly on the move, playing some sport, talking with this person, going this place, etc. It.NEVER.STOPS. I think my soul longs for "it" to stop, but I keep cluttering and littering my life with these "things" that I feel the need to accomplish or "check off the list." After arriving to China July 26, it was GO,GO,GO ALWAYS. Moving to a new country/CONTINENT requires many new things: new language, new culture, new norms, new house, new friends, new house-mates, new job, new expectations, new groceries, new recipes, new foods, new customs, new Gathering, new Fellowship, new pollutants, new ample time for opportunity, new adventures, and a new beginning. As you can see, it never stopped after I moved here and almost THREE MONTHS have flown by right before my eyes. I've done so much "stuff" that I could list for you, but the beauty is not in the stuff I do. So, sickness provided me an ample time to catch up on silence, on reading, on movies, on Father Talks, on self-reflection, on worshiping Him, on understanding WHY THE HECK I'm in CHINA, and on WHY He is SO DANG GOOD TO ME!
2. New friends. You know those people that you see at work or at Fellowship that you wish you had extra time to spend with them, but you never do? I always heard that coming out of my mouth when I attended the Village. I would meet such cool people and say to myself mentally, "OK, Kayla find out a way you can work that person into your 'list'-even if it means exhausting yourself in this area..." I don't believe that is healthy, and that is something I'm relieved to have discovered after moving here. I don't have to be JC to EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD! That is why HE died so that HE can take care of EVERYONE, He can fix EVERYTHING, He can heal all wounds. He is Savior and I no longer have to live up to these expectations that are too high-never able to be reached. My expectations were so taxing on myself, physically, that I couldn't sleep for many, many, months. I blamed it on other things, but it was purely my inability to stop, breathe, and rest. I think I thought that if I stopped, I would have to stand under a light (like the one in an operating room) and just look at myself, look at my afflictions, look at my wounds, and look at my holes-all for Him to see. This is not a pretty sight, nor is it comfortable, alas my reasons for never resting.(oops, this section wasn't meant to be about "new friends" after all, eh?)
3. Self-Reflection. This is the kicker. I am restless when I have nothing to do. I get bored, I get cranky, and I'm ready to go back to work even with 103 degree temperature, no voice to speak with, and coughing like I'm hacking up my right lung. Everyone says "stay home, rest, take it easy" when my heart is saying "get back in the game, Kayla! You're being lazy! You're not over-acheiving at anything which means you are behind, you are failing, you are not WINNING!" I then step outside my body and laugh because what race is their to win in this game of sickness besides ultimately confiding in Him for FULL HEALING? I get so wrapped up in this sort of mentality all the time. Back to the Go, Go, Go mindset. So, after the first few days of staying home, I began thinking about why I'm really here. I'd had the opportunity to talk to many great people about this very statement. Even a counselor from the states came over here to serve our team and he asked the same question (because I still dream of finishing medical school and doing epidemiological research in a third world country). I couldn't help but resort back to many unforgettable memories I have at The Village and with Village people. There I learned how to "be-loved." I have the gift of loving other to no end-I can love and love and love on others and never get tired of it, but the "let others love me" part of the equation was non-existant; hence the reason why I Go,Go,Go all the time-no time to come to terms with this part of the equation. Now to the part of why I am here. I could tell from the first few times spent with new team members that I had a key part on this team. A LONG time ago Father put this spirit inside me that was able to LOVE others without ceasing, to love without seeing wounds and scars, to love others despite their ackwardness and their quirks, to love period. In every person I can find some commonality between them and myself; it never fails. I have this unstoppable nature to share myself with others, and I love this about myself, I truly do. I have never met a stranger. I have this lifelong feeling of being somehow different, like an oddball, like a stranger in a strange land (literally in China), never quite fitting in. This also comes with a longing to'go home,' but that desire will never cease until we are truly Home. When I meet new people this effervesent nature to love and to put at ease comes out in me and it is a light. The only source this GIFT I have is Father and His love for me. He put this inside of me a LONG time ago and new that it would be used to sew new hearts and souls together and to bind kindred spirits. It's a magnet, and it.is.HE.ALONE.bottomline. So, to get back to the self-reflection, I've really learned to embrace this gift and it has been such an exciting journey, especially with my Chinese friends. Chinese people are not like this-you know-they are more introverted and not eager to share their whole entire life story the first time they meet you (like me). BUT, I think that they are looking for this and they are seeking this sort of boldness. There are so many Chinese women believers who are walking SO CLOSE with Father that its mouth-watering hearing their stories. They truly are the army of the Father- - - NOT KIDDING. I'm serious people, I've never heard the voice of Father more clearly in my life since being in China. Why I had to come 1.7 Billion people away to hear Him, I don't know, but He.Is.Here.IN.THIS.PLACE! He is raising up these people in such a mighty way. Most of the time I feel so immature in my faith because so many times I rely on JC music, or JC gatherings, or fellowship, or PR groups, or praise conferences, etc. to uplift me or edify me in my relationship with Father. Let me tell you something. In China there are no Mercy Me concerts and there are no Beth Moore Book studies (sorry if that's offensive). There are no organized groups to get together to talk to Father and there are no programs you go to for your accountability. Sorry. Not hear. Its just you-you and Father, walkin' side by side down the beach. It is He who hears my cries, He who hears my struggles, He who hears my gossip (though He doesn't want to), He who hears my jokes, He hears praises, He who gets admired, He who gets astonished, He who gets exalted, it is He. All the Earth rejoices to say "He is holy," yet this He became my honestly best friend when I came to China. So praise Him for that. I miss my small group more than EVER back home, but when I step out of my selfish sunglasses I see that I'm here for a much bigger person and He was cultivating this a LONG time ago in my life. Every incident and occurring in my life happened for a reason, so that it could divinely be knitted together to produce "such a time as this" (Esther 4:14).
Ok, brain bulimia for now. Sorry I type like I'm talking-just me. D.O. sorry for all the grammatical errors. I love you all more than you know, I really do. I PR for you all daily and I remember you one by one. For those of you who have asked for my mailing address, here it is (print it off both chinese and english and paste it on the box/envelope/package-hint hint).
English:
Qingdao MTI International School
Baishan Campus
Shazikou, Dongjiang
Laoshan District, Qingdao
China 266102 Chinese:
青岛MTI国际学校
中国山东省青岛市
崂山区沙子口东姜
白珊校园内
or you can go to www.qmischina.com (my school's website), then click on the Contact Us link and the addresses are on the right side of the page. Copy them into a doc. and print them out.
OK, I'll leave you with this-this which I feel speaks most closely to my heart:
"Better to love Father and die unknown than to love the world and be a hero; better to be content with poverty than to die a slave to wealth; better to have taken some risks and lost than to have done nothing and succeeded at it."
